His Favorite Things

I got Josh to compile a list of his favorite things! Recently I’ve noticed a reoccurring package on our doorstep from a company called Pair of Thieves. Apparently this is Josh’s new favorite undies brand. Actress, Jessica Alba’s husband started this company. I had to laugh when I heard what it was about. Ahem…eliminating SWASS from men’s lives. SWASS standing for…um…sweaty ass. I’ve linked you to those for your guy’s SWASS issues. S’well bottles, we both use ours daily and have yet to find a water bottle we like better. Diesel watches, one of the coolest looking watch brands. We hardly go anywhere without him receiving compliments. They’re definitely large and eye catching for those flashy guys. December is here, ladies. Time to get your shit together and start on that Christmas shopping!

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Warm Things

I wasn’t in the market for a new coat, but something about those gold buttons and fur collar…
I listed my boots and a set of very affordable dupes! Same with the shirt. Josh and I just had FOUR days together. It was wonderful and I want to weep at the fact that he goes back to work tomorrow. It was so dreary in the PNW this weekend. Josh was depressed and I was in my element. Today, on our last day, we wandered around Ballard and found stocking stuffers for the kids. Really weird shit. They’re going to love it. Hope your weekend was wonderful!

What I’m Reading!

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My Favorite Things!

Okay, you guys wanted to see my favorite things. Perhaps you need a hint hint for the husband or boyfriend for Christmas, or maybe you’re just going to buy your own present. Either way here are my favorite things, both for myself and the home. I am a plant lover (my friends call my home Jurassic Park) and instead of potting my plants in boring planters I find unique ones at my local nursery. I have both the planters I listed and they bring me great joy. Secret, I love my Burberry rain boots about a thousand times more than my Hunters. They are considerably more comfortable. Josh and I have a record player in our bedroom. It’s the perfect addition to our funky, relaxed space. We have string lights along the ceiling and one of my favorite things to do is dance under the bedroom lights to music. I think its very romantic. As a family we are always dancing. Fig out on my White Lies canister, someone else already did. I keep mine in the kitchen. There’s a really funny line of them, I remember one being Valium. Black silverware for all the black souls. And I am obsessed with Jo Malone scents. I use this bath soak weekly. Rose and Gardenia are my favorite scents and this is just dreamy. All right, you get the point. Happy hinting!

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Green Teddy

Tis the season of green. Can’t stop, won’t stop. I don’t feel like I’m intentionally buying all of the green things, it’s just happening. But this little cardigan was too hard to pass up. I have recently left the Lulu Lemon tribe as well, traded in for these Zella leggings which are a third of the price and more comfortable. They wash better too. I’m often a brand whore and jump on wagons that leave my pocket book empty and give me a wedgie. Zella stays in place and are breathable. Give them a try. Hey ho!

What I’m reading! Sidetone: this book messed me up. I can’t stop thinking about the ending. Why?! Ugh.

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Velvet Green

Ahhhh, I love this velvet duster/coat. Not only is the color stunning in person, its comfortable and warm (but not too warm). I got so many compliments while wearing it that I can’t wait to pair it with some other outfits. Links below.

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Foggy Pink

Grey skies and porridge for breakfast right before I hopped on the Tube. London has one of the most accessible and easy to use underground train systems. When I get home to the States I always grieve the lack of public transport, missing my daily rides on the Tube. I’m quite proud of all my Tube knowledge after all these London trips I take. I can pretty much navigate myself all over the city. I even gave directions to lost people while I was there! One day, London, one day I will live in you full time. And heeeeey! anyone remember Fila? I guess you’d have to be a child of the nineties because my twenty something friends are like–WTF is Fila? Only the flyest sneaker brand, my friends. Totally off-the-chain. Amiright? If you’re wanting a blast from the past here are the links to my Fila ensemble.

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Mean Green

Love this bright green, ruffle collar sweater. The collar was so cute I stepped out of my black comfort zone and actually wore color in public. Can you just picture wearing it with a messy bun? So cute. My grey overcoat is an oldie, so I listed some other options for you. And FYI I walked London all day (20,000 steps) wearing these UGG wedges. So comfortable.

Hey! It’s Thursday. I’m writing a book where the main character’s name is Thursday. Be happy, the weekend is almost here! This weekend Josh and I celebrate two years of being together. He has something planned but he hasn’t told me what. Someone tell him that I hate surprises. By the way, the book I just read is probably one of the best books I’ve ever read. It’s a hard thing for me to say that because of the subject matter. It’s not my favorite book of all time, but definitely one of the best I’ve ever read. Does that make sense? I hope you give it a shot but be prepared, it’s hard to read.

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London Style

Chilly, rainy, charming and elegant; my favorite place in the world is London. Sometimes places save me. Five years ago Washington state saved my life by renewing my hope in…well…everything. Florida had taken a toll on me mentally and physically. I was hot (literally) and I felt grimy from life’s disappointments. I wanted to breath fresh air, live below the trees, and see mountains capped in snow. And so here I am, living my dream. London is the place I go to think, and to write, and to feel alive. I was limp and I knew I needed to come, and so I booked a flight. I’ll have something more permanent here one day soon, but for now I’m in my favorite hotel, near my favorite tube station soaking in this magnificent city. I eat bangers and mash for dinner, and I buy giant bottles of water from the corner shop. I walk, and I walk, and I walk until I can’t feel my feet. I eat all the things. I buy Josh clothes. I find bookshops and open markets. I take pictures. I feel good. Thanks for caring and for all your messages and comments over the last few weeks. My outfit links below.

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Starry Eyed

Hi, it’s been a while since I’ve done a fashion post. It’s been all depression and failures lately. Fortunately even when I’m depressed I still wear clothes.  Just wanted to share my two favorite fall/winter finds with you. This charcoal denim jacket is the best thing that’s happened to why wardrobe since last week. Heeeey! Stars!
I was looking for Ugg wedges, because Uggs feel like the warmest, softest, cuddliest blanket…for your feet. I’m so hoppy they do stylish/comfortable because I’m not a huge fan of the traditional Uggs (though I do have a pair). I also found a more affordable denim with stars, so check that one out too.

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Over the last few months I’ve been reacquainted with my old friend, depression. It’s been so long since I’ve seen her  that at first I didn’t recognize what was happening to me. I stood in front of a group of writers just a few weeks ago and introduced my best friend who was there to teach a workshop on plot structure. “She saved my life,” I told them. “Dragged me out of one of the darkest depressions I’ve ever experienced…” That was years ago. So far behind me that I barely remembered the hopelessness of it. Little did I know at the time, I was about to be hit with a category five, in fact it had already started and I failed to see the signs.

What is depression anyway? 

Well, for me it’s a numb hopelessness. A dread. An emotional and spiritual exhaustion which leads you to believe that there is no beginning and there will be no end. You can’t quite remember a time when you didn’t feel this heavy. Depression eliminates the possibility of a future; you don’t want it, you don’t need it. In fact you crave for nothingness because anything is better than the damp fog you’re walking around in.

I talk about it. It’s been a slow process of learning how to ask for help but even in the middle of it all I realize that my life is important and my presence in my family’s life is important. So, I tell people how I feel and gather as much light and wisdom as I can.

“Mindfulness. Here and now. Stop thinking and immerse yourself in the present…” That’s the advice my friend Christine Brae gave me. Good advice since my depression is often triggered by a perceived failure which sits like a sentinel in the forefront of my mind. It chases away all logical, optimistic and healthy thoughts. When you believe you’re failing at something that’s what happens. You don’t remember all of the success and triumphs, you most certainly don’t know how to focus on the good that has come.You see only the failures…the hurts. Okay, I could do that. A clumsy attempt to stop thinking about my weaknesses as a human and an artist resulted in an almost emotional constipation. I just tried not to think at all. I focused instead on what I could do today, right now. The mother I could be today, the words I could craft today, the life I could live today. That helped, but it didn’t solve the problem.

“For the past five years your life has been a tornado. The winds are only slowing down now, but there’s the aftermath of wreckage you’re forced to deal with…” That’s the truth Colleen Hoover gave me. I felt justified by that one. Yeah, I’ve had a hell of a five year period. I don’t even know how much hurt and turmoil could be crammed into five years, but it was. Everything changed, then changed again, then changed once more. And I’ve barely found my footing while still holding bandages to seeping wounds. I’m stumbling through emotional wreckage while trying to navigate a new and healthy life. I feel like I have PTSD and I know for a fact I don’t deal with hurt I just move past it. If you don’t acknowledge it it’s not there right? Right. Though I think that sometimes your body forces you to acknowledge it. I think I’m being forced to deal with things I’ve refused to look at for years. That includes the death of my father.

You need to slow down. You take on too much…” That was the advice given to me by my assistant and friend, Serena Knautz. It’s true. I choose to be an indie author because of the control it affords me. But, there is steep price to pay when you own your own business and manage your own career. I am every job. I have to do each one with the precision and perfection; a recipe that will drive a sane person mad. I am the mind behind the marketing, the covers, the ideas, the advertising, the social media presence and the art of words. I am also a full time mother—the one who has to bake shit, and fill out forms, and participate in fund raisers. The one who scrubs the grass stains off of the knees of pants, and who loads and unloads the dishwasher. The cook, and the lunch packer, and the toilet scrubber, and the dog walker. I am the sheet changer, and the homework helper, and the moral teacher. I don’t allow myself to slack in any area because I am a perfectionist in the home. Except I do slack because one person cannot do everything. And when things slip through my grasp and I feel as if I’ve lost control, I suffer. Serena is right. I have to start choosing my battles so that I have the chance to win them instead of feeling the weight of constant loss.

So there it is. Advice for the present, knowledge about the source, advice for the future. If you want to conquer depression these are things I have found help me. Friends are important, their perspective has been important, their comfort and understanding has been necessary. I have friends who pray for me, who check on me each day, who show up to be near me so I don’t feels so isolated and alone. I have a husband whose brow may be permanently creased from the worry, and who feeds, and rubs, and holds me when I forget who I am. He’s been an anchor though I’ve hardly seen him in the last few months. I need to see him more  because he reminds me of hope. I have a mom who comes over and rubs my back for hours.

I’m not out of the woods. You can never quite predict when this sort of thing will end. And I have some things I need to work on, clearly. As I said in my last post about Ryder I’ve pulled back a great deal on social media and on my phone. I worry about you guys, those of you who don’t have the support system I do. Those of you who don’t have someone reminding you that your life is important, and that this too shall pass. So here I am. I want to tell you that you’re not broken and this is not permanent. Your life holds great value. The chances of each one of us being born are slim (1 in 400,000,000,00**). You are a miracle. Take your one life and do something with it. Something big, and bold, and beautiful. It’s never too late.

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